I came to a realization today while I was writing about love and obligation that I feel obligated to my Father and I love my Mother.
My Mother is starting to develop (has) dementia and often says things that make no sense, the other day in one visit she told me when I arrived I looked like I had lost weight and by the end of the visit I had gained weight. My Mother is a generally happy person and likes to have fun and see other people having fun. Now when we talk it’s about the good times we had at the cottage during the summer…..and yes she repeats herself often and asks the same questions over and over again, but I love her. My mother always has a hug and kiss for me and loves to hold hands. My mother always says she loves me and that I’m a good person.
My Father does not have dementia and he is alert and his mind is healthy, yet he uses his mind in unhealthy ways. He is mean, controlling and demanding. He is not loving, if you try to do something nice for him, he does not say thank you, he says you are only doing it so he won’t cut you out of their will. He does not say he loves you or say anything positive.
I was going to visit my parents this weekend, but I told my Father I have a cold and was not feeling well and did not want to spread my germs. He did not say “take care of yourself” or “get better soon” or “get some rest and drinks lots of liquids” all he said was “I have a list of things for you to do for me the next time you come up.”
I remember sitting in church with him and his congregation was voting on whether to allow same-sex marriages to be performed in the church (I could not vote as the voting was for members only). My Father took a ballet and put it in his pocket, he did not vote, but by not voting he was making a statement.
He has said to me, “Oh you can do it, you don’t have any responsibilities” what does that mean? Because he thinks I’m not married and don’t have any children I have no responsibilities. I am married, my child may have four legs not two but I have responsibilities.
This is a giant breakthrough for me, like most people I feel that I should love both my parents and love everyone in general and if I don’t love everyone I am an evil person. I often talk about positive and negative energy and leaving the negative energy behind and moving forward towards the positive.
The road to positive thinking, love, understanding and freedom is hard, and to reach my goal I realize I have to leave negative influences behind.
I will not become my Father’s daughter.